3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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