meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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