how can u be prego again
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
