I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
