Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
