We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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