hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
