WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
