just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
