My hand turned me down
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
