instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
