I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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