you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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