Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
