i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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