I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
