did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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