I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
