Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have aggressive nipples.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
