You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
