Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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