Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
