What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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