um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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