there's paper in my vomit.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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