this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Is Oprah even human
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
