Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
