I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
