the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
