Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
