so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
