ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
