That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
