Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
