I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
