Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
