roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
