goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
