Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
