He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
