I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
