I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
