found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
