Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
