Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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