Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
