I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my shit smells like andre
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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