and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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