i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
