Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
