I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
