Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Boobs are out for the taking
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
