why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
