Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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