I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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